So common is it that a potential new client tells me they are married to a narcissist, that I actually have a specific, knowing smile in response, and I swear to myself, I should create a YouTube channel about divorcing narcissists. I’d make a fortune even if I only charged $5 a viewing.
Note: I am not a psychologist, psychiatrist and I have zero training to be preaching about personality disorders. Everything I know, I’ve learned on the job. Take it with a grain of salt.
Like, did Tom Cruise really love Katy Holmes? Or, did he love how she looked when he was looking down on her from his stool in their wedding photos? He certainly made a fool of himself in the name of love but wasn’t it really more about the attention he got? Despite reports that Katy “won” their divorce (or at least did better than Nicole Kidman), I’d put money on Tom bragging that he was the one who outsmarted her and that the reason he has Suri most of the time is because “he let her.”
Divorcing one of these gems? Here are some common mistakes people-pleasers make divorcing narcissists. Drum roll please. . .
- Not filing first. Assuming you have made the moral decision to get divorced, be the first one to file. The person who files first gets to go first, meaning, that party gets their story out first at the hearing on temporary orders and at trial, and that person’s lawyer will give the first impression of the case. The person who goes second or last has the hard job of disproving what has already been said or suggested and retelling the story in his or her own light. It’s a compromising position. Most likely the narcissist will have a “poor baby” approach, as in, “I really had no choice but to file, since they stopped bringing me coffee” and with this story line going first, it forces the people-pleaser to get defensive which drowns out the real story: that there was no room for another person (you) in the marriage.
- Be ready to fight the obvious. A people-pleaser would never sell a car to a friend for a premium price, but a narcissist would. A narcissist would never concede you broke up with them, but a people-pleaser would let you have the final word. Do not assume that just because you have always taken care of the kids, or operated the business that your spouse will concede that you are primarily responsible for those items. This is especially important because you need establish the status quo to your judge. Be ready to defend the last two years of painful homework projects, or to demonstrate you have prepared all the company’s tax returns and landed the biggest client.
- Trying to prove a point? Don’t. Even. Try. What does it matter if you have won every battle or even the war? It will make no difference to the narcissist, who, in their mind, is still clothed as an emperor. Narcissists will walk out of a courtroom having been ridiculed by a judge and want to celebrate with the local sommelier’s choice in wine with red meat. Therefore, don’t think if you could just “show them” or you could just get the “judge to tell them”, that it will be downhill from there. Nope. You married a narcissist, so don’t for a second think that all the granted motions in the world will humble them.
- Not carb-loading. Here is your permission to go to a buffet in jeggings. A narcissist plans on his spouse complying with his plan for division of assets and custody arrangement. In the narcissist’s mind, the narcissist will simply prepare the decree and the spouse will sign it. Divorcing a narcissist will not be over and done in a couple of months unless you give him everything he wants including the things he demands at the last minute. To a narcissist, “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine”. Awarding all of the assets to the narcissist is just papering what is already true to a narcissist. Since you can’t make the narcissist understand that your inherited money is actually yours, you will have to set the case for trial and plan on going. It’s like a marathon: it takes a year to prepare for and complete, and you are delirious at the finish line (if you make it). The only difference is you have a lot less money now, hate your lawyer (at least a little) and you may have kid issues to deal with. Like the jungle, the tired animals get eaten. So, carb-load because this is going to take a while, you might as well enjoy it.
- Expecting mediation to work. While a people-pleaser might get worn down by the long hours stuck in a room with a lawyer, a narcissist is just getting started and is appreciating how all the professionals have their day tied up in what they will not agree to. Picture the scone-eating narcissist being asked if they would like creamer or milk in her tea while they contemplate whether or not they can live without their spouse’s grandmother’s diamond watch. My suggestion is to go to mediation but have a plan and listen to your lawyer.
- Self-infliction. A narcissist is the blade a people-pleasure cuts themself with. The people-pleaser mistakes the narcissist’s joy as love. The joy was getting attention, not being with their “person.” The people-pleaser really loves the blade, and misses the blade even when the claws come out in court. Loving your spouse is not a bad thing. Love is an exhibit of our human nature, as beautiful as the body’s ability to heal itself or birth a baby. Deal with the love, the loss, the rejection and the sadness without cutting yourself on the blade. Cut the nerve instead and cooperate with your spouse, but don’t inflict new wounds on yourself. You will end up with the wounds and the narcissist will only feel better about themself because you “did it to yourself”.
- Be ready for Karpman’s triangle. According to Karpman, the cycle of dysfunctional relationships involves three roles: victim, persecutor, rescuer. Pay close attention to the role you play in the drama cycle so you can learn when the narcissist plays victim or rescuer. If your spouse said you would never see your kids again, get ready for them to play victim of the year when you are awarded primary custody of the kids. Offer them a compromise and get ready to be the victim when they take advantage of your kindness.
